Lysistrata in the ER
by Lesbiassparrow
Summary: The women of the ER take drastic action to get better plots. Contains Gloria Steinem, leis, brooding, sweaty manliness, and much more. Act two now up. Must Gallant's budding manhood be sacrificed?
1. Default Chapter

Disclaimer:  Aristophanes owns the plot idea (but he's long dead so I don't think he'll mind me borrowing it for a bit), and I doubt their current owners would recognize any of these characters. 

Summary: the women of the ER have had enough with the men getting all the good plots on the show – and reenact Lysistrata in order to get control back. (If you haven't read the play it's a Greek comedy about the women of Athens going on sex strike to stop a war).

Note: Er…I have no idea what possessed me to write this. Blame Kenziegal for it ever being posted at all.  It's all her fault.  Spoilers of a sort for the season finale, I guess.  

Act 1:

Scene 1: The Doctor's Lounge in the ER. An irritated Kerry Weaver is muttering to herself.

Kerry: If I had called them all together for a cocktail party you know they'd be here. Especially Susan. And Abby. And Chen.  Well, the whole lot of them. None of them can resist drinks with umbrellas.  Or drinks of any sort.

Susan and Abby peer round the door. Weaver looks happier.

Kerry: Enter.  You're the first.

Abby and Susan enter, settle down. Gradually all the women of the ER filter in, one by one, wondering what is going on. Weaver waits until everyone is there and then takes the floor.

Kerry:  I have called you all together for an important meeting.  A very important meeting; one that could affect all our futures.  

Susan: Will you be serving drinks?  

Kerry (sternly): No.  No drinks.

Susan:  I have an emergency pitcher of margaritas in my locker if you forgot to bring any.

Everyone (Abby especially):  Quick, to Susan's locker.  

Kerry (leaping in front of locker):  NO! NO! You must hear what I have to say. 

Her audience looks sullen, but respects her authority and the mighty reach of her crutch enough to back off a little.

Kerry:  Have you ever noticed something odd about this place?

Chen: Just one thing?  I can think of a dozen…our missing security team for one, the amount of screen time Pratt gets for another. 

Kerry: I don't mean that.  Have you ever counted the amount of times this ER has been reunited? And that it's always being reunited by a hero?  Never a heroine.  And that the guys always get better stories?  There's Carter and Luka off saving the world, while we get to sit at home and hold things together. But do we get solo episodes?  Not on your life.

Elizabeth:  But…that's just the way it is.  That's the way the stories work. And the NBC promo guy only has three things he can say: either the ER is reunited, or it's a very special ER, or it's an ER to cherish. 

Kerry: Don't you want to see a change?  Wouldn't you like a plot apart from being Mark's widow and Romano's possible love interest?

Elizabeth looks interested, thinks about a new world of possibilities.

Chen:  At least she's not set dressing.  All I get to do is follow Pratt around. Abby's the only one with a plot around here.

Abby:  But the bastards saddled me with a crazy brother and mother. And an alcohol problem so I can't even drink to forget without the music of impending doom playing. I want some fun.  I want to mess around with some youthful med student instead of having to endure endless pain.

Chen: But you have a plot; what I wouldn't give for an insane family.  Everyone else has one; why not me?

Susan:  Well, they promised me an athletic, handsome type for my husband…and I got Chuck. Why? Was Antonio Banderas too expensive? What about Keanu Reeves?  

Kerry: And what about my birth mother?  And my pregnancy story? And Sandy?  I haven't seen her for months.

Everyone mutters a little.  

Susan: But what can we do about it?  We're just women.  Against the powers that rule this universe we are powerless, cogs in the wheel of fate. 

Kerry:  I have a plan. You might not like it, but I think it will work.

Everyone:  What is it?  Tell us, tell us, tell us!  We want plots.

Kerry (pauses for effect):  We must, we must, we must…have nothing to do with the men on this show until we get what we want. Decent plots that don't involve us being feeble, power-hungry, saddled with loopy families, or formerly sexually harassing bosses.

Abby (raises hand):  By nothing, do you mean nothing at all?  No contact of any sort? No sex?

Kerry: Yes.

Abby: I was afraid of that.

Susan: What are you worried about?  It's not like you're getting any at the moment. Carter's several thousand miles away and so is Luka.

Chen: Can we have sex if it means nothing and we're not emotionally involved?

Kerry:  No!  The idea is to drive the story to a complete standstill; no more pairings of any sort.  Once they realize we won't co-operate with their nefarious scheming, they'll have to give us better stories.

A moment's silence falls over the room.  Then Susan stands up.

Susan: I'll do it. And so will Abby.

Abby: I will?  

Susan: You will.  Otherwise no more lesbian experimentation for you.  (Kerry looks interested at this and decides to take part in the next girls' night out).

Abby (rolls eyes, pouts):  Okay. 

Chen (and everyone else): Me too.  I want a story.

Kerry (solemnly):  You must all swear to this.  (She reaches into her pocket, takes out small picture of Gloria Steinem).  Swear on this icon, this holy image.  Repeat after me:  I will have nothing to do with any man on this show, no matter how attractive, how brooding, how hot, or how cute he looks, until the writers come up with something better for us.

Everyone swears to this.  They look pleased with themselves; it's a new era dawning. They head out of the lounge clapping each other on the back.

Carter and Luka burst through the ER doors.  Both look rumpled, sweaty and slightly unshaven. They reek of righteous deeds done, people saved, manhood restored in the fires of war.

Carter: Abbeee!  I have returned. Behold my sweaty, war induced manliness.

Abby whimpers a bit, looks at the other women.  

All the other women: Be strong! Remember your oath!  Remember the sisterhood!

She approaches him and Luka tentatively.  Hesitates a little, then gains some confidence.  

Abby:  Have fun?

Carter (in strong ringing tones):  No!  I was saving the sick and defenseless of Africa.  And I didn't even get lucky once. (Looks meaningfully at Luka as he says this).  I have returned for you.  Come, let's head off to my mansion on the hill and frolic in my bedroom.  

Abby:  Returned for moi?  But you didn't even say goodbye.  

Carter:  I was in a deep depression; but I have found myself.  I now know my true destiny: to save the poor, to resist the evil lure of riches, to don the stethoscope of justice whenever Luka can spare it.

Abby comes closer, sniffs a little at him.

Abby: Why do you smell of coconut oil?

Carter: Er…it keeps the mosquitoes away?  Yes that's it; it keeps the mosquitoes away and cures Beri Beri, whatever that is.

Abby looks suspicious.  

Luka: You know if you're not that keen on Carter at the moment, I'm available.  And unlike him, I can brood.  (He broods a little to prove this. Chuny sighs in the background). And besides you owe me babies. Many babies.  

Carter:  Noooo!  I can't lose another woman. They're always leaving me on this show; my masculinity is under threat once more.  Abbeee, come with me and help me spend the Carter fortune. We can play with the fuzzy handcuffs that I have at home.

Abby:  I thought you were rejecting riches?

Carter: Not all of them.  Thought I'd keep a few million or so.

Susan (in the background):  Come on, move the plot along a little; the readers are getting bored.

Abby looks at Carter, looks at Luka.  Suddenly dives into Carter's pocket and pulls out a lei.

Abby: I thought you went to Africa?

Carter and Luka: We did, we did!

Chen:  There where did the lei come from?  Looks a lot like the ones you get in Hawaii.

Carter: Well the directions we got weren't very good…

Luka: And we didn't like to ask anyone the way…

Carter: And you know that Hawaii looks a lot like Africa when viewed under the right light.

Kerry: So, basically, the two of you spent two weeks on the beach?

Carter: It wasn't all fun and games.  Luka got a nasty sunburn and I got bitten by a crab. And, more importantly, look at us!  We're all nicely rumpled and sweaty and so very manly that no woman could resist us.

Abby: That's what you think. (She scurries back to the other women).  Back, back, I say.  I'm having nothing to do with either one of you until I get a happy story of my own.

The women cheer.

Luka (broods a bit more):  Susan?  What about you?  I always thought we could have something together.  

Susan:  Back off mister.  And no brooding at me.  I'm immune. And besides, Abby, Chen, and I are considering changing teams. This show could do with more lesbians anyway. I bet the ratings would shoot up. It worked for Buffy.

At this point Romano and Pratt sweep into the ER just in time to hear this last statement. 

Pratt: Chen, say it ain't so. Say you can't resist my confident charms!  I'm so very smooth and cocky that no one can resist me.

Chen:  Want to bet?  I'm just ready for a story of my own.  And besides I prefer Gallant anyway.

Romano:  I knew it, I knew it, I just knew women weren't to be trusted. Apart from my own dear Lizzie that is…Lizzie come to me in my hour of need. Mop my brow, comfort me as I endure the agony of career failure.

Elizabeth:  It's bloody Elizabeth, Elizabeth.  How many times do I have to tell you that?  And I'm still getting over the passionless disaster that was my marriage with Mark.  I think I'm joining Susan, Abby and Chen.

All the men: The horror, the horror. 


	2. Act two

Because people asked for more…  I apologize if it's not up to the first act, but there's only so many times you can invoke sweaty manliness without it becoming repetitive.

As before: the plot is Aristophanes', the characters belong to people with more money than me. 

Lysistrata in the ER

Act 2:

A river winds through the depths of the lush jungle; the only thing moving is a small, battered boat crawling over the surface of the limpid water. Two figures stand at the prow, guns cocked, looks of grim – yet somehow restrained – determination on their faces.  It's Drs. Kovacs and Carter of the East Rhodesian We Rescue People Whether They Like or Not Because That's What Real Men Do Company….

Sorry.

Wrong Parody.

Act 2: 

Three days later in the ER.  The male doctors and nurses are on one side, the females on the other. Each group looks suspiciously at the other. Assorted patients mill around looking confused.  An air of sexual frustration hovers over all… 

Strangely, neither Carter nor Luka have changed their clothing nor shaved…they still have that fresh from virtuous deeds look about them, combined with a distinctive manly aroma of heroism mingled with coconut oil.

Romano:  We have to do something about this.  We can't have women in charge of the plots; they'll be burning me in the ambulance bay in minutes. Someone needs to put them in their place.  Plots of their own?  Next thing they'll want a room as well.

Carter: Isn't this the writers' problem? Why do we have to sort it out?  I just want to go home and count the Carter fortune.  (Hastily) Just so I can work out how much of it to give to the deserving poor, of course.  

Pratt: They're refusing to come out; they say that this may do wonders for the ratings. Apparently lesbianism just pulls viewers in. Who knew?

Romano:  So, it has to be one of us…someone needs to sacrifice themselves for the good of us all. We need a hero.

No one looks too happy at this idea. This is particularly true of Yosh and Malik, who are wondering if they can somehow escape out of a window before they become the sacrifice. (The nurses are always the first to go).

Luka:  Well, Pratt and Carter have girlfriends. Let them do it.  It's not my problem.

Carter:  But you're sleeping with half of Chicago. What if this spreads to all the women in the city?  What will you do then?

Luka looks worried at this.  (For references purposes, his worried look looks an awful lot like his brooding look.  Across the ER Chuny sighs once more; Haleh immediately hits her with a clipboard.)

Pratt:  Let's send in Gallant.  He's in the army; he's prepared for combat.

Gallant:  I'm too young!  My budding manhood will be trampled underfoot before it has had a chance to blossom and grow. And besides I don't have a story either.  Let Luka, Pratt, or Carter do it; they're the ones with screen time.

The rest of the men mutter agreement. Luka, Pratt and Carter stare at each other. They realize the future of their plots rests upon them and them alone.  This does not make them happy.  

Scene 2:

Across the ER, Kerry is giving an inspiring speech to shore up the faltering will of the women.  

Kerry: We have to stay strong.  I know it's hard, but the rewards will be great.  Think of it! Actual stories that go somewhere!  

In the background we see Abby and Chen trying to sneak off.  Weaver whirls around as they go past and hooks them in with her crutch.

Kerry: Where are you going?

Abby: Cigarette break.  

Chen: Chapel. We want to pray for the success of our endeavors.  (Tries to look holy and sanctified as she says this but fails).

Kerry:  Cigarettes?  Chapel? (Suspiciously) Are you sure you weren't sneaking off to meet up with Pratt and Carter?  Hmmm?

Abby and Chen:  No, No! We were going to smoke…in the chapel. That's it. Smoking in the chapel. Best thing, really.  Clears the mind and appeases God, all at the same time.  Two for one deal.  

Kerry: Sit down.  There'll be no sneaking off for a quick roll around on a gurney; do I have to remind you of the consequences of that?  We have to stay together on this or else we'll all be doomed to a lifetime of bad writing.  Remember the long term goal here; it's for the good of women on TV everywhere: today ER, tomorrow NYPD Blue.

Abby and Chen sit down, not looking too happy, but prepared to sacrifice themselves for the good of all. And for a plot. Any plot.

Kerry (sensing the need to keep people occupied): Let's draw up a list of demands; no point being unprepared for our certain victory. Alright now, what do people want?

Chen (firmly): I want a crazy family.  It's the only way to go.  

Abby:  You sure about that?  It's a lot of work, and they turn up at the worst times…

Chen:  I'm sure. The madder the better.  I don't care if they paint themselves blue and run naked screaming through the ER every other Thursday.

Abby (nobly): If you want you can have mine…I mean, I don't want them. It would save the writers a lot of work too.  I bet they'd be glad. They could just say there'd been a terrible mistake made and that you'd been adopted or something. 

Chen (eagerly, finally scenting some decent plot time and a possible Emmy in the wings):  You sure?  You could keep one if you want, as a sort of back up in case of emergencies.

Abby: No…they're all yours. (To self) I hope you know what you're getting into.

Kerry: Okay, so Chen gets Abby's crazy family. Hopefully without naked screaming. Susan?

Susan (dreamily):  Who do you think they'd cast to play Dix? I'm thinking Hugh Jackman would be very nice…maybe he could wear leather…

Elizabeth (mutters): With your luck they'd give the role to Quasimodo.

Susan: What?

Kerry:  I think maybe you might be better to go for something other than a romance plot at the moment.  You'll probably end up being paired off with Luka anyway, so doubtless anyone you get now will be killed off horribly in season 10 to allow him to comfort you and be saintly and understanding as you go through your hour of need. Trust me, it's a bad idea. 

Susan (thinking hard): Aha!  I know, I want to open a bar on the site of Doc Magoos… Then I can become a bartender. And invent an entirely new fruity cocktail that will take the world by storm.

Chen (confused): A bartender?  Where's the story in that? You'd never get to be in any ER scenes at all.

Susan: That's where you're wrong. Everyone would come there to unwind after their shifts and I'd get to listen to them and offer advice.  (Triumphantly) I'd be in _everyone's plots.  _

Kerry: Susan…bartender (writes this down). Elizabeth? What do you want?

Elizabeth:  I really don't know. It's been so long since I actually had a real plot, outside of worrying about Romano, that I don't know what to ask for.

Chen (eagerly):  You could get a crazy family. That's always good.  I could always give you one of Abby's relatives.  I only need one. 

Elizabeth (in a sudden burst of inspiration):  No…I've got something better. I want to unite the ER.  

Everyone groans.

Kerry:  It's not much of a new plot is it? I mean, this ER has been reunited every other week for nine years, and it's getting…well…a bit tiring.  For one thing we never have worked out who comes along to undo the uniting so that it needs to be done all over again.

Elizabeth:  But it has it been united by a woman using only a small ball of string, some chewing gum and a tiny goat?  I bet that's new. And what's more, my uniting will last for seven episodes at least, and won't involve a small child of any sort.  

Everyone ponders this for a bit. They're not sure that you can unite the ER without a small, yet strangely appealing and wide-eyed child being involved.

Kerry:  I think you may be right…though, there was that time with Doug Ross…no, no, I don't think it's been done.  I like it; it has a sort of McGyver feel to it.  Okay, so Abby, what do you want?

Abby:  I want a happy plot.  I don't care what.  I don't care if Susan and I run off and raise chickens in Wyoming and start a giant commune dedicated to the mystic Themisticles, I just want some happiness. (Pauses).  And I want my drinking problem gone.  I want to be able to knock them back in Susan's bar every night if I want to. Especially if there's a fruity cocktail of some sort. 

Kerry (dubiously):  The happy thing might be possible. I'm not sure we can entirely wipe out your drinking; I think there has to be at least one alcoholic on the show, just to show the writers care about substance abuse. And, anyway, once Chen has your family you won't need to drink, will you?

Abby: Sure I will. Who needs a reason?

Kerry: Okay, okay. We'll try. Can't promise anything, though.

Elizabeth: What about you Kerry? 

Kerry:  I think I want Abby's baby anvils; it's time for my pregnancy story line to be revisited.  In the season finale I want to give birth while my birth mother, Kim, Sandy, and Alan Alda converge on County, each one claiming paternity.  I'll give them an ER unlike any other.

Abby:  You can have them.  I've never quite worked out the whole baby thing anyway.  I've yet to work out why I owe Luka babies; I think it must be to do with the fact that he's two foot taller than me, or something. 

Scene 3:

Meanwhile back on the male side of the ER….

The heavy hand of plot saving doom has fallen upon Carter. He, and he alone, has been picked to try and crack the façade of female unity that is ensuring that no one is getting lucky or is likely to get lucky in the near future.  It is a heavy burden, but he wears it lightly, as befits one who has struggled manfully through the jungles of Hawaii armed only with the sure and certain knowledge that this is a very special ER to remember and cherish and unlike any you've ever seen before, where not one, but two, heroes unite both the ER _and a war torn state._

For some reason (perhaps the fact that every woman he's liked on the show has run out on him at some point) he is being offered advice on the best way to hone his façade cracking and luring women skills.

Luka: Try brooding.  It usually works for me.  Slavic gloom gets them every time.

Carter:  Really? I find boyish charm more effective in the long run.  

Pratt: No, you need smooth self-confidence. Combined with a devil may care cockiness. The ladies just love that.

Gallant: You need a uniform.  (Generously) I could lend you mine if you like.  

Romano:  You're all wrong.  Just harass them a bit, wait a few seasons and they'll come a-running.  You have harassed Abby, haven't you?

Carter: No.

Romano: Then we're all screwed. 

A moment of silence falls over the men as they look at Carter, their best, their brightest hope. And they hope that fact that he's been written as Mark Greene's replacement does not mean that he's inherited his luck. 

In the distance a drum begins to beat, manly and forlorn.  It is the hour of truth, the hour of heroism (the sweatier and more rumpled the better), the hour where Carter finally hopes to get some after having spent several weeks without Abby.


End file.
